I have the last two episodes saved up on DVR (so no spoilers, please!). Hopefully I’ll get around to watching them this weekend, and have a scathing critique written up and posted by Tuesday (famous last words!).

Famous last words, indeed - but maybe for a different reason?

As promised, I watched the last two Alias episodes over the weekend, and here’s my critique…it’s far from “scathing,” though. Quite the contrary - I have to say that the last two eps of Season 4 were the best I’ve seen in more than two years!

I’ve been a huge (HUGE!) Alias fan since the premier of the show back in the fall of 2001. I honestly thought (think!) it was the best thing to come along on network TV (hell, even cable TV) since the X-Files. Tons of action, lots of plot twists, great costumes - and a kick-ass female lead! I never missed a show. Back when it first started, I worked Saturday nights, from about 10 PM until 10 AM the next morning. I’d go home, pass out for about 8 hours, and drag my ass out of bed long enough to heat a frozen pizza and watch Syd in action. Now that’s love, no?

Then they killed it. Yup, I’m referring to the Super Bowl ep. Now, I didn’t care that they flaunted Jennifer Garner around in two shades of Victoria’s Secret to the tune of Back in Black. I didn’t even bat an eye - they could put her in an undercover lesbian threesome, and I wouldn’t care, as long as it’s somehow related to the plot. Heck, I understand their need for ratings, and if slutting up Garner is what it takes to ensure another season, then more power to ‘em!

The last 10 minutes of “Phase One” is what did the show in. For those of you who are unfamiliar, let me recap: the CIA brings down the Alliance and all their SD cells (including Syd’s SD-6), and Syd and Vaughn “see each other amidst the carnage and kiss passionately!” Ugh.

So what’s the problem? Well, for one, the writers basically ended the show. The whole plot centered around Sydney working as a double agent for the CIA in order to foil the Alliance. Now that SD-6 is no more…they have no plot.

And any novice screenwriter knows that you never have your male and female leads get together! The sexual tension between Syd and Vaughn, coupled with the fact that they could never hook up, was a driving force behind the show. Now that they’re together, we’ve lost that “will they or won’t they!?” anticipation. Who wants to see them settle into domestic bliss? How boring!

The Alias writers should have taken a clue from Chris Carter here: he’s the ultimate cock tease. For nine seasons, he managed to string us along with Scully and Mulder. Every time it seemed like they would finally cave in to their carnal desires, Carter threw some kind of wrench into their bed: Mulder isn’t really Mulder, he’s Morris Fletcher in Mulder’s body; Mulder smooches Scully’s 1939 counterpart and promptly gets a right hook to the kisser; Mulder and Scully embrace in the hallway but are interrupted by bees. I mean, c’mon, once Syd and Vaugh shack up, we’ve got nothing to look forward to there - at least wait until the show’s cancelled to give us what we want (because one we’ve got it, what’s the point in coming back every week?).

I’m guessing that Abrams & co. realized their mistake, and this was the driving force behind the Season 2 cliffhanger and the introduction of the gawd-awful Lauren Reed in Season 3. I suppose the show still could have survived had they developed a decent new plotline, but Season 3 was just horrid. ‘Nuff said.

Sans Melissa George, Season 4 wasn’t quite as bad as Season 3, but neither was it anything to get excited about. For starters, there was very little Irina, and even less Sark - by far the finest baddies of the series. They killed off Lauren, which was a plus, but then they introduced the only slightly less annoying half-sister Nadia. Then there were the inconceivable plot lines - do we really think the CIA would be brain-dead enough to not only hire Sloan, but then put him in charge of his own team, with little oversight? (No wonder we can’t find Osama!) Jack is exposed to massive amounts of radiation, which alters his genetic makeup and sends him into fits of delusions, and yet he’s magically healed a few episodes later? (Bet the folks over at Chernobyl could use a visit from Dr. Liddell!) Even Season 9 of the X-Files wasn’t this bad!

Back on May 4, 2003 - the end of Season 2 - I told myself that I’d watch the first few eps of Season 3 before giving up on the show totally. If they sucked, I thought, I should just end it - better than watching the show I loved die a slow, painful death. Of course, it was awful, worse than I’d feared, but I couldn’t let go. I said the same thing about Season 4, and as bad as it was, I kept watching. Last week Shane & I agreed that if the season finale didn’t deliver, we weren’t going to watch it next season. I mean, Season 1, he got a kick in the nuts if he so much as coughed while the show was on. Now, I pause it on a regular basis to heckle the plotlines.

So I was stunned - I mean, jaw-to-the-floor, tongue-rolling-out, straight-up shocked - when “Search & Rescue” and “Before the Flood” actually did deliver. What can I say? They managed to explain Irina’s death and subsequent resurrection in a totally logical and reasonable way. Jack smiled - not once, but twice - and we were treated to a few minutes of nostalgic humor between Jack and Vaughn. Sloane’s back in jail, and Nadia’s a flesh-eating zombie. My only complaint is that they killed off Elena and spared Nadia. Oh, yeah, and still no Sark!

Looks like there’s hope for Season 5 after all. The cheesy twist with Vaughn’s “secret” doesn’t bode well, nor does Nadia’s unlikely survival (after being injected with zombification fluid and then shot at close range by her own father, mind you), but there is hope yet. If only they had the sense to move the show to HBO and bring Chris Carter on board. If only.

- K

Last week the old man and I were arguing - can’t remember about what now, but I’m sure it was something along the lines of pee on the toilet seat or dirty dishes under the bed - and anyway, I threatened to out him as a Nickelback fan.

Yeah, that’s right…I’m dating a Nickelback fan. Now, keep in mind that I didn’t know this when we first started dating. Hell, I’m not even sure I’d heard any Nickelback “songs” at that point - it’s been that long. But one day, one horrible, horrible, day, I found a Nickelback CD in his car. Not only did he like the band, but he actually liked them enough to burn $20 on one of their crappy CDs.

The silver lining in all of this is that, whenever we disagree about anything, or when I do something dumb (like smoke the microwavable popcorn so badly that he goes into an asthmatic fit and the kitchen walls turn grey), all I have to do is pull out my trump card - the Nickelback CD - and he shuts his pie hole like that. Yes, the abomination that is Nickelback is that powerful, folks.

So anyway, I threatened to out him, but the bastard beat me to it. He claims that he only listened to the CD a few times and then tossed it under his car seat in disgust, where it sat until that fateful day that I found it. Only that’s not where I found it - it was in his CD player! Don’t believe his lies, everyone. Despite his protestations to the contrary, I think he’s still a closet Nickelback fan. At least have the cajones to admit it, hun. I’ll still love you. I might not respect you, but I’ll still love you.

- K

An animal rights activist, I belong to approximately 10,000 different animal-related email lists, newsletters, newsgroups, etc. Well, all right, perhaps that’s a big of an exaggeration - we’ll call it 2,499.

Lately I’ve seen quite a bit of info about keeping your companion animals safe during natural disasters - probably due in part to the recent tsunami in Asia and East Africa. Although it’s unfortunate that so many animals (both human and non-human) died, I was at least heartened to see so much attention focused to the non-human animals’ plight. In a world where billions of “food” animals are slaughtered every year, you just don’t expect to see that kind of compassion.

First, two articles from Home Again Pet Recover Service. Along with AVID, Home Again is one of the biggies that provides microchipping for companion animals. All three of our canines are chipped; we were thinking about having Ozzy done, too, but Shane insists that he doesn’t need it since he never leaves the house (Ozzy, not Shane). Also looking into tattoos, but they don’t seem as common. Obsolete, maybe?
 
Animal Rescue: How to Save a Dog When a Disaster Strikes

As Home Again sells microchips, the main thrust of the article is obviously microchipping.

Additional tips for keeping your animals safe during emergencies:

“Make sure that the pets’ information is displayed on a small laminated sign near your front door for the Fire Department. (e.g. ‘Animals live here: One cat, two dogs, fish, birds’).”

“Pet leashes should be on a hook right at the front door so your dogs can quickly be secured.”

“Set up a buddy system with your neighbor…In an emergency they (or you) will pick up all the pets and meet at a pre-arranged location.”

 
Pets: Keep Your Dog Healthy, Happy

This time, Home Again offers some tips from the HSUS, including:

“Off property, on leash.”

This is for both your own animal’s safety, as well as the safety of other animals - human and non-human alike. Plus, roaming, “nuisance” dogs give every other canine, and his guardians, a bad reputation. How do you think breed-specific legislation gets passed?

“Provide proper shelter. A fenced yard with a doghouse works good for a large and active dog. But no matter the size, a dog should never be left outside alone for extended periods.”

Not only is this cruel to your animal (after all, dogs are pack animals, they enjoy the company of their human alphas, and there is no such thing as an “outside dog”), but it also leaves him vulnerable to pet theft.

“Take an obedience class. Positive training with an instructor can help you control your dog’s behavior, as well as offer an opportunity for you to bond with your pet.”

“Go for regular veterinarian check-ups.”

“Spay or neuter your dog.”

“Provide a balanced diet and fresh water.”

All no-brainers!

 
Finally, an excellent brochure from the AVMA:
 
AVMA Disaster Preparedness Series: Saving the Whole Family

This is, by far, the most comprehensive kit I’ve ever seen. Tons of helpful hints. We already had a tornado plan in place (hey, we live in Kansas, after all!), complete with crates, batteries, flashlights, and copies of essential paperwork in the basement, but it looks like we still have work to do. For example, we overlooked the evacuation plan and don’t always have emergency cash on hand (can we say credit cards?).

And although we do have emergency stickers on our doors, I never even thought of this:

“Provide a list near your evacuation supplies of the number, type, and location of your animals, noting favorite hiding spots, in order to save precious rescue time. To facilitate a successful rescue, provide muzzles, handling gloves, catchnets, and animal restraints where rescue personnel can find them.”

They even have essential info for larger animals, such as horses, cows, etc. Ahhh, I can’t wait until we move into a larger house with plenty of land - with more doggies, goats, and pigs (and maybe even a few chickens - then Shane will finally be able to eat eggs again - maybe).

- Kelly

OK, so I’ve been pretty lax about posting the past few weeks…busy with work, excuses, excuses, yada yada yada…you know the drill. Anyway, just a quick observation before I’m off to bed (yes, it’s only 10:30 here in good ole KC, but it was a long one!).

This one’s for all you Alias/Jennifer Garner fans out there…ever notice how Sydney sported bangs during a few months (weeks?) of Season 4, but now wears them pinned back so that they’re hardly noticeable? You could argue that it’s for convenience - don’t want all that stray hair flying in your eyes during debriefings - except that she wears her hair down during missions and raids, for chrissakes! Wonder if Abrams received a few complaints from irate fans and offended hairstylists? I assume she had to adopt the bangs for Elektra, but she didn’t always hide them on Alias, so ya gotta wonder about the 180…weird.

Well, anyway. I have the last two episodes saved up on DVR (so no spoilers, please!). Hopefully I’ll get around to watching them this weekend, and have a scathing critique written up and posted by Tuesday (famous last words!). Don’t get me wrong, I was a huge fan - until the show jumped the shark in the middle of Season 2 (yeah, the infamous Super Bowl ep). I’ve been hanging on desperately, hoping that the show would somehow redeem itself, but to no avail. Screwed again by the networks! Ah, well, at least the Family Guy is back.

- Kelly

Sorry for the brief hiatus, folks. I’ve been doing so much writing for work that, by the end of the day, I’d rather ram a pencil through my eye than type one more syllable. Besides, if the Raving Atheist can take a week off, who the hell will miss me?

In addition to writing some original articles and essays (primarily on death, dying and bereavement - yes, just call the Mistress of Macabre), I’ve also spent an inordinate amount of my workday combing through free content sites/groups in search of some additional articles that we can feature on our sites. After a few months of skimming through new articles on a daily basis, I can honestly say that most of the “free content” out there is truly horrendous! I’m probably better off creating my own library of articles than relying on anything I find on the ‘Net.

Consider, if you will, some of the following titles:

“How to Decide Whether to Keep Your Marriage or Other Relationship Going or to End It”

“5 Tips for Avoiding a Summer Fling”

“You May be Pregnant If…”

“Faster Manifesting Fluid”

“Are you homeless? Does your Soul have a Home?”

“You’ve got a Curse!”

“Wear Your Thinking Cap When Gambling Online”

Now, let’s be clear: most of the authors of free content aren’t exactly experts on their respective topics. And if they were, you certainly wouldn’t be able to tell based on their writing, which is usually riddled with grammatical, spelling, and structural errors. (Even writers who claim to be Ph.D.s seem incapable of crafting a coherent paragraph!) Free content is a marketing tool: people with something to sell write up short pieces and allow others to reuse them free of charge, provided the byline and resource box remain intact. Instant publicity.

So back to those titles. What’s that? You say I should leave my husband? Well, ok, we were going to see a marriage counselor, but if you (a nameless, faceless stranger) say I should leave the schmuck, sure, ya got it! 5 tips for avoiding a fling? I got one - keep it in your pants! What, I might be pregnant? Then I’d better rush out and buy a pregnancy test and a coat hanger instead of wasting my time reading this rubbish! And, my personal favorite: wear your thinking cap when gambling online and…don’t gamble online, dumbass!

Really…who in their right mind would actually follow any of this advice? Yikes!

Also, an update on last’s week’s post re: “The Anti-Shitty Radio Coalition.” I was listening to the Buzz in the shower this morning, and heard the greatest commercial in which they actually poked fun at their own musical choices. They played a few clips of once-popular songs that were previously included in their rotation, including such classics as Kryptonite by Three Doors Down and Papa Roach’s Last Resort. Painful. Of course, they apparently didn’t see the hypocrisy in dissing other stations for playing crappy music when they admit to having a less-than-stellar track record themselves.

Finally, one last media-related lament: Oh, Jon, why dost thou forsake us?

Given the declining quality of “real” media outlets such as CNN and Fox News, the Daily Show is slowly becoming the most reliable (and enjoyable) news source on prime time. So why am I complaining? Because, currently, we’re in the second week of Daily Show reruns and counting! Christ, they only shoot a half-hour show Monday through Thursday - with commercials, that equals roughly 80 minutes of the Daily Show a week! Not to mention, they take an average of one week off a month. Throw us a bone here, guys! Jeesh, if Jon needs some time off to care for his new toehead, at least rotate the anchor chair over to Stephen “It’s French, Bitch” Colbert or Rob “Bean-Town” Corddry.

[Sigh]…maybe I’ll get lucky and Opie & Anthony will do some Tony Danza impressions today…if only…

Nope, not the chorus in the newest Offspring release.

Last month I plowed through two books, Caring for the Dead by Lisa Carlson and The American Way of Death Revisited by Jessica Mitford, both of which are highly critical of the modern American funeral industries (to put it politely). I actually thought that they would both prove rather dry and boring - after all, they weren’t my personal choices of reading material, but rather I was perusing them for work - yet, they were so engaging that I found myself forgoing sleep and even TV in order to pore over them.

I won’t get into the myriad of problems with funeral homes, cemeteries, and other death-related businesses; that’s a whole other series of posts. I have written reviews of both books for Amazon, though, so you can check them out if you’re interested.

There’s just one particular passage in The American Way of Death Revisited that I keep mulling over - it’s just so amusing and puzzling at the same time.

First, some background: contrary to the claims of many funeral directors, the modern American funeral is largely a recent phenomenon. Although the “funeral men” (as Mitford refers to them) claim that today’s funerals are rooted in tradition, there’s nothing traditional about them. A century ago, home viewings were the norm, the clergy (as opposed to funeral directors) helped the bereaved with arrangements, and the deceased were buried in simple pine boxes, usually in public cemeteries or even (gasp!) at home, in familial plots.

Contrast that with the funerals of today, in which the funeral men have usurped the roles played by religious leaders, extended families, and mental health professionals (can you believe that funeral directors are allowed to charge for “grief counseling,” something they’re neither licensed nor trained to do!?…but I digress). Families are pressured to buy increasingly expensive and extravagant “caskets” (“coffins” is no longer an acceptable term), even in the case of cremation. Corpses are embalmed for extended open-casket public viewings, and the relatives of the deceased literally have nothing to do. Rather than actively honor their dead, for example, by making the coffin by hand or participating in planning the ceremonies and rituals, they usually relinquish such responsibilities to impersonal entities that will charge them huge sums for the service.

Britons like to brag that they’re 50 years behind America when it comes to funerals; their ceremonies are decidedly less pompous and more personal. Back here in the US, there’s a small but growing movement to return to the funerals of yesteryear, to regress at least to England’s level. Which brings me to the subject of today’s post: embalmers.

In her chapter on English funerals, Mitford describes the perilous future of embalmer