OK, here’s the deal. I’ve managed to bookmark way more stories than I’ve had time to discuss, and rather than just toss ‘em all out, I figured I’d start an end-of-the-month feature - for lack of a catchier moniker, drive-by headlines. Just a quick one-two of June items that I found interesting (but apparently not interesting enough to blog about).
 
 
First, the fun stuff:

Paris Hilton Spicy Burger Commercial

Ah, yes, yes, this was indeed a May headline - but it took a few weeks for the spoof ads to, uh, pop up.

Highly recommended: Accolo’s version

Sick, sick, sick: KC’s 96.5 The Buzz Contest Winner

And a distant third: The Scoopsburger

Sex-Ed By President Bush: Can YOU Pass the Test?

Only if you’re a chimp. Errr, wait, on second thought, that’s unduly insulting to our simian cousins.

PETA: Who Are the World’s Sexiest Vegetarians?

Last year Ozzy & Kelly Osbourne made the list, even though they partook in the traditional Thanksgiving Day turkey feast on their MTV pseudo-reality show. Where the fuck does PETA get their information?

 
 
Now, the headlines:

Bush Welcomes EU Leaders to White House

And in a “frank, open and clear discussion,” discloses that “I think about Iraq every day. Every single day…Yeah, I tie a little string around my finger. Sometimes — sometimes I look down and I think to myself, ‘What’s that doing there?’”

Congress Wastes Time on Flag Burning

Working title: Congress Saves Flags, Pisses on Constitution

Cunningham, a decorated Navy pilot in the Vietnam War, tried to explain what the flag means to military folk, offering, “I have another friend who was a prisoner of war for six and a half years. It took him five years to knit an American flag on the inside of his shirt when he was held prisoner in Vietnam.” And it took the army ten minutes to discharge him when they found out he could knit.

Patriots Owner: I Gave Ring to Putin

Ahhh, there are so many obscene bylines that could accompany this one…

White Noise

Where the Fuck the White Women At?!

Why We Need Nosy Parkers

“Busybodies, it turns out, may help us coexist”

Potentially a scary study, depending on how you define “the moralists among us” - does this include self-righteous Christian PharmaNazis who refuse to hand over our goddamn prescriptions (push Intelligent Design/creationism, fight comprehensive sex ed., etc.), or the revolutionaries who dare question their convoluted sense of moral authority?

Sexual Assault Watch: Nathan Braun

“A criminal complaint charging sexual abuse has been filed against Christian Vegetarian Association founder and former International Director Nathan Braun.”

Another “good Christian,” I see. Right along with the BTK Killer.

Animals and Us: Forward to the Revolution

A series of interesting AR essays…

Animal Efforts ‘Need Bigger Push’

“Efforts to reduce the suffering of animals used in testing are hampered by poor funding and a reluctance by scientists to share experimental data.”

Ahhh, yes, another casualty of the drug companies’ rush for patents and profits.

Speaking of which, I’m really tiring of those R&D commercials that the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America (?) has been putting out. Talk about propaganda. The latest issue of The Economist is a special “Survey of the Drug Industry.” Interesting fact: “The past decade has seen a massive rise in pharmaceutical marketing, to the point where a firm such as Novartis is spending around 33% of sales on promotion, compared with about 19% on R&D.” Saving lives, my ass.

And those assholes at the FDA continue to deny Americans the right of choice - God(less) forbid - because American companies, with their huge markups, will invariably lose out. Just one question: what the hell happened to capitalism?

Reviving a Taste for Whale (see also Mmm? Fast Food Chain Offers Whale Burgers)

Here’s the tally:

Commercial whaling has been banned since the ‘80s “to protect the animals from being hunted to extinction”;

Yet, in a ridiculous loophole, pro-whaling nations are still allowed to kill whales under the guise of “scientific whaling”; the carcasses of whales slaughtered (sorry, “studied”) in the pursuit of science make their way…into cafeterias (ummm…sounds like commercial whaling to me);

But younger generations of Japanese “are just not that interested in eating whale anymore”;

Enter a massive brainwashing effort to “rebuild Japan’s endangered taste for whale” - a “culinary delight” that is currently banned.

The result?

“An animated group of schoolchildren from this suburban town in northern Japan poured into their gymnasium Thursday afternoon and listened raptly to a whale expert give a talk on the gentle giants of the sea….After the feast, the children headed home with official books on whales that included helpful tips on how to defrost whale meat (over two days), as well as recipes for whale burgers and whale soup.”

“I guess I do feel sorry for the whales,” said Shun Ishimura, 7…He said that despite his feelings, he “ate it anyway because it looked so good. And when I ate it, I liked it. Whale is really delicious.”

Nice.

Researchers: Dolphins Use Sponges As Tools

Hopefully the Japanese government plans on providing dolphin-safe, scientifically slaughtered whale meat to their gaggles of toeheads.

Just kidding. Komatsu say, “Fuck whales, fuck sharks, and fuck dolphins.”

And that’s all, folks. See you in July.

- K

From the National Women’s Law Center:

Most states in the US have statutes or regulations that implicitly impose a duty on the pharmacist to dispense all legally valid and medically approved prescriptions. Three states also explicitly require pharmacists or pharmacies to ensure that valid prescriptions are filled, and other states have introduced bills to require the same. However, an increasing number of states have introduced, and some even enacted, measures that would permit pharmacists to refuse to fill prescriptions based on their personal beliefs.

Of course, when we say “prescriptions,” what we’re really talking about is contraception.
(Pills that help men tinky their winkies are a-ok by the Moral Majority!)

And not just any form of birth control - oh, no! - but women’s contraception.
(Hands off those condoms or the Virgin Mary gets it! Bareback.)

And when we say “women’s contraception,” we aren’t just referring to the devil’s delight that is the morning-after pill - although it is an outrage that Satan’s Little Helper isn’t yet available over-the-counter in every goddamn state! Heaven’s no! Rather, we’re lumping The Pill into this dubious blanket category as well.
(Because anything that keeps women shodden, childfree, and out of the kitchen is clearly immoral and indecent!)

Assholes.

Although, in most states, a pharmacist’s job entails, ummm, actually dispensing valid prescriptions (go fucking figure!), a number of states have decided, or at least considered, that pharmacists are entitled to be lazy, self-righteous slobs, clearly above performing the very tasks that they were hired to do in the first place. Thirteen states have introduced bills that “would permit pharmacists or pharmacies to refuse to fill prescriptions based on their personal beliefs,” and, thus far, four states have passed these sanctimonious slacker bills.

So what’s the problem? If a woman is denied her prescription by one pharmacist, she’ll just get passed off to the next one on duty, right? Worst case, she has to come back the next day. Well, not exactly.

First off, some of these bullshit laws allow entire pharmacies - not just individual pharmacists - to refuse to fill a prescription. (Hell, who am I kidding? I’ll just say it - contraceptives. After all, that’s the only type of prescription that’s being refused.) So she can just take her business elsewhere, right? Wrong again.

Of course, I strongly encourage any woman to patronize a pharmacy that doesn’t tolerate this type of bullshit from their employees. By all means, find out if any establishments near you have been sued for discrimination against morally superior Christian employees, and throw all your money at them. They deserve it.

Unfortunately, some women don’t have the luxury of a choice. If you live out in the middle of Hicksville, USA, and/or lack reliable transportation, Bob’s Groceries, Liquor, Drugs & Guns down on 1st and 4th might be your only option. If they refuse to fill your valid prescription, you’re shit out of luck. To compound the problem, Hicksville, USA, is the place most likely to allow these legal shenanigans to begin with.

Let’s turn to the town of Fabens, Texas, for a shining illustration:

Steve Mosher’s Medicine Shoppe pharmacy is inside a grocery store on one of the two main streets in this small town set amid West Texas scrub. It’s the only place where residents can locally fill their prescriptions.

Last year, Mosher decided he’d had enough. He joined the growing ranks of pharmacists refusing to dispense birth control because of moral objections.

“I’m a Christian, and I believe that abortion is taking the life of an innocent human being,” said Mosher. Because birth control pills could keep a fertilized egg from implanting, he opposes them too.

[….]

There are 6,093 licensed pharmacies in Texas and mail-order options, but it’s a big state with 199 towns that have only one drug store. And those often have only one pharmacist.

The problem can be further exacerbated because many stores, including national chains, don’t offer all forms of birth control. The morning-after pill is frequently not offered.

Wal-Mart Inc., one of the nation’s largest pharmaceutical chains, doesn’t stock it and there are 10 towns in Texas in which Wal-Mart is the only pharmacy.

Clearly, the “pharmacies” portion of the law is unfair. Yet, it’s utter BS to allow individual pharmacists to do so the same, and here’s why.

Let’s revisit Hicksville for a moment. Smaller businesses, particularly family-owned pharmacies, may only have one employee on duty at a time. Or they might have one employee, period. So allowing individuals the right of refusal would have the same effect as granting establishments that right.

Of course, I think the state would be hard-pressed to grant this “moral out” only to pharmacists who work in larger establishments, so the above argument pretty much invalidates a right of refusal for all would-be PharmaNazis.

There is, however, one overriding principle that goes straight to the heart of the matter, which NOW posed in one refreshingly simple sentence:

If dispensing birth control is so morally offensive to pharmacists, they should find another job.

Fuck yeah, sister!

Imagine, just for a moment, if Dita Von Teese scored a job at the Paradise Club, then showed up in a turtleneck and chastity belt and refused to get nekked. She’d be out on her pristine little ass before you can say “show me your tits!” As well she should be. After all, she was hired to show everyone her tits.

You don’t want to dispense prescriptions? Then you’re in the wrong profession, asshole.

- K

Well, I just borrowed My Own Private Idaho from the local library today. It’s the new, beefed-up, double-disc Criterion Collection edition, just released March 1st, and finally received, reviewed, and released into the stacks by our slow-as-molasses librarians two months later. Anyway, a curious thing: two lines of text on the back of the DVD cover are slathered in White Out. It’s very obviously not a part of the design, since one lone descender can be seen peeking out from under the accusatory, virgin-white streaks.

I’ve never seen the movie - not to date myself, but I was 13 when it first came out, and my parents adamantly refused to rent it for me (damn fascists!). I hear that it’s, uh, pretty “sick” and “depraved,” though, so I was fairly surprised that a Kansas City library owned a VHS version, let alone purchased an updated copy, chock full of new and untold perversions. Hmmm…maybe that’s why it got held up in the “Review Me” pile. Nope, nevermind, I’m still waiting on P.S., which came out in early February, so that can’t be it…Unless they’ve got something against college admissions officers doing it with young, nubile art students.

A-hem. Anyway.

Next time I’m out and about, I’ve got to find me an unmarked copy of My Own Private Idaho to see what was blacked (sorry, whited) out. Too bad I do most of my grocery shopping at the oh-so-evil yet too-affordable-to-resist-unless-you-have-Benjamins-to-burn monstrosity that is Wal-Mart. And those bastards would rather sell you a made-in-the-good-ole’-US-of-A rifle than any sort of entertainment that - gasp! - offends traditional (read: white Christian conservative) American family values.

- K

Poor Oprah.

In what she described as “one of the most humiliating moments of her life,” Oprah was - gasp! - treated like a normal human being.

In case you’ve been living under a rock since June 14, when “the incident” took place, Oprah arrived at Hermes, a “French luxury store,” 15 minutes past closing time. Expecting to be welcomed inside - nevermind that the store employees had other things to do (which reportedly included setting up for a PR event) - she was “humiliated” when the security guard and manager didn’t inconvenience themselves to cater to her every whim and desire. You see, she had an oh-so-important dinner date with Tina Turner, and wanted to buy Ms. Turner an expensive watch to wash down their caviar and foie gras. It’s customary for filthy rich people to swap jewels like they’re spit, you see. So thanks to Hermes, Oprah committed a serious faux pas that night, adding to her (already crushing) humiliation.

Please.

Celebrities need to realize that - ohmygod - under all that glamour and glitz, those many layers of foundation, and their gaggles of yes-men, they are people too. And occasionally - not often, but once in a blue moon - someone will treat them like it. Whether it’s a store employee refusing to reopen after hours to wait on them hand and foot, or a hotel concierge copping an attitude, they will eventually encounter someone who is unwilling to celebrate their every breath. Imagine that.

Initial reports suggested that there was some racial aspect to Hermes’ actions; supposedly, the Hermes employees said (to Oprah and/or her entourage, I take it, though news reports aren’t very clear on this point) that “they have been having trouble with North Africans.”

Now, I do believe that racism, sexism, and every other sort of “ism” are alive and thriving, even in more “tolerant” and “advanced” developed countries such as France, England, and the US. Nonetheless, I also think that minorities, women, and every other oppressed group under the sun are, as a whole, way too quick to cry foul when they don’t get what they want. Racism exists, yes, but yell “discrimination” every time something bad happens, and you become the boy who cried wolf - eventually, people start rolling their eyes at you (and, by extension, the group you represent). Is sexual discrimination a reality? Sure, but jumping to the conclusion that your demotion was due to your lack of a penis - rather than your poor work performance - does women everywhere a disservice.

Returning to Madam Oprah, consider that the “racism” claims originated in a gossip column, the type of which thrives on conflict. Also consider that the employees say that they recognized Oprah - and if they recognized Oprah, they also recognized that she wasn’t a North African (duh!). And who in the free world doesn’t recognize Oprah, anyway? (In fact, a recent study found that “even casual readers” recognize celebs, no matter their appearance; such reactions are even present in individual brain cells.)

Oprah also claims that there were other customers shopping inside, but that was an assumption on her part; how does she know those weren’t employees setting up for the event? Or perhaps they were early arrivals for said event?

Thankfully, though, Oprah shall overcome:

Not that Winfrey is letting the incident keep her down.

“She’s really okay,” King said. “Her position is, ‘I will shop where people appreciate my business, and I don’t believe that any longer includes Hermès.’”

What an inspiration to celebs everywhere!

“Normal” people, of course, should be rolling their eyes.

Being turned away from a closed store is “the most humiliating moment” of her life?

This from a BLACK WOMAN, who was born to POOR, UNMARRIED TEENAGE parents, in MISSISSIPPI, and has spent much of her life in an OVERWEIGHT body?

Seriously, Oprah, this is the worst you’ve ever had it?

Well, hurrah to Hermes - as long as they didn’t turn O away because of her skin color, which I don’t believe they did. If I’m ever dumb enough to drop five grand on a handbag, you’re the first store I’ll hit up (or callous enough, what with all the starving kids that handbag allowance could have fed…tomato, tomahtoe).

- K

Let’s see if I can pull myself out of this Benadryl haze long enough to eke out a blog post. (Suffering through my first bout of poison ivy this season…Damn you summer, you filthy tease!)

So I was scrolling through the feeds on my home page, and this headline jumped right out and nearly strangled me:

Animal groups praise Sen. Rick Santorum

Yikes. My peeps, in bed with the devil?

So I read on…

“Puppies and kittens likely are not the first things that come to mind when many think of Sen. Rick Santorum - the conservative No. 3 Senate Republican known for his tough stance against abortion and gay marriage.”

Hmmm, no, I think the first thing that comes to mind is his “tough stance against abortion and gay marriage,” as the reporter so nicely put it. Myself, I’d say, “the conservative No. 3 Senate Republican known for his gay-bashing, woman-hating, zealous Bible-thumping bullshit.” But then again, that’s probably why I’m writing a blog and not an AP article!

“But Santorum, R-Pa., has won high praise from the Humane Society of the United States for pushing legislation aimed at ending breeding facilities known as puppy mills.

“People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals also finds him a friend. “He’s a man with a heart, and he doesn’t think it’s any more acceptable to treat animals cruelly than humans,” said Mary Beth Sweetland, director of research and investigations for the Norfolk, Va.-based PETA.”

Unless they’re fags, of course. Or gay puppies. God especially hates gay puppies. So cute, yet so depraved.

“Santorum, chairman of the Senate Republican Conference, said those who think of animal rights as a liberal cause should not be surprised to find him in this camp.”

Sigh.

Unless you’re an ARA (animal rights advocate), you’ll probably see this as nit-picking, but here goes: Animal rights and animal welfare are not the same. They’re not even remotely similar. It’s like comparing atheists to agnostics.

In a nutshell, animal right-ists believe that animals should be granted rights (usually similar to those of children), most importantly, the right not to be used or exploited by humans for their benefit. No more using animals for meat, eggs, dairy, entertainment, labor, etc. Of course, not all animal rights groups agree on certain issues, such as which animals should be granted rights (e.g., should bugs be granted legal protection?; what about “pet” animals?), the best ways of achieving this (sweeping legislation vs. a step-by-step approach), etc.

Animal welfarists, on the other hand, think it’s ok to “use” animals, as long as they’re treated “humanely” in the process. In this view, eating chicken is fine, as long as the birds weren’t confined to tiny wire cages their whole lives. Of course, how the fuck do you define “humane”? Ultimately, the cow who gets to graze out of its feedlot a few hours a day still gets butchered to sate Americans’ taste for red meat, as unnecessary (and unhealthy and environmentally harmful) as it may be.

Rights vs. welfare are usually confused, I think, for two reasons:

* Many animal rights groups sponsor welfarist measures as a means to an end. That is, welfarist acts may not solve the ultimate problem, but at least they’ll make life slightly more pleasant for animals now.

* Many welfarist groups deliberately confuse people with misinformation and misstatements; a common claim of welfare groups is that they advocate a “responsible” form of animal rights. Bullshit. The two are separate and distinct philosophies, with different aims and assumptions. By the way, many animal rights advocates loathe PETA and are extremely frustrated that the general public associates all ARAs with PETA.

OK, rant over, but in the unlikely event that you’d like to learn more, Gary Francione is by far my favorite animal rights author. You can find a ton of articles on his web site, including a number of pieces on the difference between rights and welfare.

And a final quote from the AP article:

Former Sen. Bob Dole, R-Kan., was an architect of the 1985 amendments of the Animal Welfare Act that required that pain be minimized for laboratory animals.

Well, except for rats, mice, and birds. Apparently they aren’t animals. (Sounds like our lawmakers need to retake their 6th grade bio class. Hopefully without the Intelligent Design BS)

- K