“Drive-by headlines” just wasn’t working for me, so methinks I’ll just keep trying out some titles ’till I find one I can live with. So here it is, the best and worst of July ‘05.

Coach paid player to harm disabled boy

“A T-ball coach allegedly paid one of his players $25 to hurt an 8-year-old mentally disabled teammate so he wouldn’t have to put the boy in the game, police said Friday.”

Dad, what the fuck? Maybe if you had pimp-slapped Meghan’s sorry ass right into the hospital, we would have had a shot at the IAA championship back in ’86!

Candy good for you? Mars to probe cocoa benefits

Let’s see - a candy manufacturer investigating the health benefits of cocoa. I’m sure that’ll be an objective study - not! Delicious, yes, impartial, no. Now pass my dark chocolate Prozac!

Ebonics suggested for district

“‘Ebonics is a different language, it’s not slang as many believe,’ Texeira said. ‘For many of these students Ebonics is their language, and it should be considered a foreign language. These students should be taught like other students who speak a foreign language.’”

Yes, so black students can be as unprepared as their foreign counterparts when they’re shoved out into the workplace. Great idea, guys. Here’s a radical notion - why don’t you try spicing up the über-PC, “let’s not offend” curriculum a bit?

The real dirt on ‘The Aristocrats’: A funny thing happened on the way to this movie

“…It’s also the filthiest joke ever told, which is what makes it such a favorite among stand-up comics. It’s a joke that only gets funnier the more it segues onto the excremental, scatological, sexual and gastro-intestinal.”

Hillary’s already at work on the legislation.

Should Roe Go?

“A chorus of pundits–among them David Brooks in the New York Times and the Washington Post’s Benjamin Wittes writing in The Atlantic–argue that Roe’s unforeseen consequences exact too high a price: on democracy, on public discourse, even, paradoxically, on abortion rights.”

Interesting reading. Guess I’m one of the “young featherheads” Pollitt’s referring to!

The protesters next door: Activists plan to exhibit opposition near UW’s monkey research labs

“In June, a former middle school teacher turned primate defender signed a contract to purchase a cluster of buildings between the [University of Wisconsin-Madison primate] labs. He and other animal rights activists plan to create an exhibition hall on the site that will showcase what they say is the torturous reality of primate research.”

About as strange as Rick Santorum on The Daily Show….errrr, wait…

It takes a book…to save the American family (see also It Takes A Conservative Republican to Cast Aside Women)

“Santorum: ‘Many women have told me . . . that they find it easier, more ‘professionally’ gratifying, and certainly more socially affirming, to work outside the home than to give up their careers to take care of their children. . . . Here, we can thank the influence of radical feminism, one of the core philosophies of the village elders.’”

Read how this frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter saved many a “progressive” marriage:

“… After reading It Takes a Family I made my wife quit her job. We’re now working on having our third child. Hopefully things will get better though, because we can’t afford to eat too much these days. A meal usually consists of what we call “ketchup sandwiches.” But, I must say I’m truly enlightened and this outweighs the hunger in my stomach and the fear of not being able to pay the mortgage. Mr. Santorum, you’re a true American hero. — B. Valachovic”

Unfortunately, many of these touching testaments have since been deleted by Amazon.

NOW spotlights merchants to avoid

I’m running out of places to shop! What’s a FemiNazi/vegan/animal rights advocate/atheist/secularist to do!?

Honor Among Beasts: Think altruism, empathy and a sense of fair play are traits only humans possess? Think again.

“I don’t say dogs are fair the way you and I are fair, or have the same moral systems,’ says Bekoff. But it does mean that– just as with so many other attributes once considered unique to humans, including toolmaking and language–animals have at least rudimentary versions of what we call morality. That would conform to Darwin’s ideas of evolution, and indeed, Darwin himself was convinced this must be true. ‘It would be bad evolutionary biology,’ says Bekoff, ‘to assume that moral behavior just pops on the scene only with us.’”

Digital Dog Collars to Help Track Fido’s “Friends”: The dog may be man’s best friend, but who is the dog’s best friend?

“The collar, now in prototype, has a variety of sensors that record the dog’s interactions with other dogs equipped with the technology. Also, an owner can single out “friends” and “foes” by pushing buttons on the leash during a dog encounter…When a dog’s friends are out on walks, the owner will be notified by “collar tones,” a sequence of colored lights that show up on the dog’s collar or on a home base station.”

Find out if Fifi’s been banging that Rottweiler down the street - you know, the unemployed bum with the suspiciously red eyes and snout piercing that you absolutely cannot stand.

ASPCA Warns Cat Owners About Summertime High-Rise Syndrome

“The ASPCA® is sending a nationwide alert to all cat owners about a potentially deadly yet entirely preventable epidemic. With summer here, pet owners are eagerly opening their windows to enjoy the warm weather. They may not realize that they could also be putting their pets at risk. Windows without screens pose a real danger to small pets, particularly cats, who can fall out of the windows and to their death. This unfortunate happening is so prevalent in cities that veterinarians have given it a name, ‘high-rise syndrome.’”

Yet another sign of our progressive stupidity. And we actually trust these intellectual defects with children!? There should be tests, people!

Seattle man amazes everyone in 135-mile marathon–including himself

“For food, Jurek, a vegan, ate energy bars and gels, potatoes and rice balls, chased by soy protein drinks and electrolyte capsules.”

…Meanwhile Michael Moore, simpleminded fatass extraordinaire, continues to insist, through fistfuls of hotdogs, that vegetarianism is “unhealthy.”

‘American Idol’ Carrie Underwood and Coldplay’s Chris Martin Are Voted ‘World’s Sexiest Vegetarians’

Damn! And I voted for Ian McKellen and Jennie Garth!

Atheism: Contemporary Rates and Patterns

3.8-8% of Americans have common sense!

The Last Word: Natalie Portman - The Force Is With Her

Finally, a celebrity who’s not yet caught the scourge that is verbal diarrhea of the rich and famous.

Check in the Mail? Postal Service Ready to Tell You Where

Forgive my skepticism, particularly since I haven’t receive a single piece of mail at my home address for five months!

Wikipedia - Anal Jewelry

Obviously not a news story; rather, I stumbled upon this dubious entry while researching “mourning jewelry,” and just had to share. Do be sure to follow the external links - there’s lotsa tush cleavage to be had.

Well, I’m off to nurse a broken heart. Beck was outed as a Scientologist on Thursday’s The Daily Show (which, of course, I didn’t get around to watching ’till yesterday; and no, it wasn’t exactly a groundbreaking exposé, but it was news to my naive heathen ears), and I still haven’t been able to wrap my brain around it. He just seemed so…Randle Patrick McMurphy pre-op as opposed to Randle Patrick McMurphy post-op.

Oh, well. See y’all in August.

- K

I’m having a hard time understanding the recent outrage over Bethany Christian Services’ refusal to place adoptive children with Catholic families. After all, anyone who does not accept the Jackson, Mississippi Presbyterian-affiliated chapter’s “Statement of Faith” is clearly a heathen and doesn’t deserve to raise Jesus’ precious little bundles of poo. Hell, as an atheist, I wouldn’t even trust myself with a baby! My skeptical mind might warp its mushy little psyche or something.

Anyway, let’s read CNN’s take on the denomination debacle:

Christian adoption agency snubs Catholics

Friday, July 15, 2005; Posted: 4:49 p.m. EDT (20:49 GMT)

JACKSON, Mississippi (AP) — A Christian adoption agency that receives money from Choose Life license plate fees said it does not place children with Roman Catholic couples because their religion conflicts with the agency’s “Statement of Faith.”

Bethany [Christian Services], based in Grand Rapids, Michigan, has 75 offices in 30 states, including three in Mississippi. The offices are independently incorporated and are affiliated with various religions, spokesman John Van Valkenburg said from the agency headquarters. He couldn’t say whether any were Catholic-affiliated.

He said the Jackson office is affiliated with the Presbyterian Church of America.

“They included this practice of not including Catholics,” Van Valkenburg said Friday.

The agency’s Web site says all Bethany staff and adoptive applicants personally agree with the faith statement, which describes belief in the Christian Church and the Scripture. It does not refer to any specific branches of Christianity.

“As the Savior, Jesus takes away the sins of the world,” the statement says in part. “Jesus is the one in whom we are called to put our hope, our only hope for forgiveness of sin and for reconciliation with God and with one another.”

Sadly, Bethanys lost their balls soon after the shit started flying. On July 20th, the national and state boards adopted a nationwide policy which requires all chapters to follow the organization’s religious-based adoption guidelines.

Bethany Drops Ban on Catholic Adoptions

Wednesday, the national and state boards for Bethany Christian Services announced the adoption of new measures which will allow Catholics to use their agency.

Now that Catholics have been added into the mix, all sides say there is no looking back. “As Christians, we do need to stand together,” said Stewart. “We need to dialogue more, we need to understand each other more.”

In other words, now the Mississippi chapter has to give their orphans to pedophiles, just like everyone else. Luckily, most Catholic child-lovers are in Boston, too busy getting an edumaktion and watching The L Word to solicit Bethany’s for more sex toys. Besides, they already have their hands full of alter boys.

In other God news, looks like The Almighty is a bit peeved at the Boy Scouts:

Hundreds of Boy Scouts fall ill from heat

Thursday, July 28, 2005; Posted: 11:16 a.m. EDT (15:16 GMT)

(CNN) — A Boy Scout National Jamboree…weathered another blow Wednesday in Virginia when about 300 Scouts and adults suffered symptoms resulting from the 100-degree afternoon heat.

The heavy rain, accompanied by lightning, also forced President Bush to postpone his planned speech to the Jamboree.

The heat wave comes just several days after two previous warnings from God, in which He ruthelessly struck down five scout leaders:

Safety review after 4 Scout leaders die at Jamboree

Tuesday, July 26, 2005; Posted: 2:22 p.m. EDT (18:22 GMT)

BOWLING GREEN, Virginia (AP) — The National Boy Scout Jamboree closed to visitors for a day of grieving and reviewing safety procedures Tuesday following the deaths of four adult scout leaders in an electrical accident.

Three other adults were injured. One was listed Tuesday in critical condition at VCU Medical Center in Richmond, one was in stable condition and another was discharged.

The deaths came a day after a Boy Scout volunteer from North Carolina died at a hospital of an apparent heart attack.

Perhaps He’s smiting the Scouts for their hostility towards homos. God loves the gays, you know - he never misses a Queer Eye. Yes, even God wants to be the best metrosexual He can be! How else do you explain the 2004 tsunami? God just lost himself in Jai’s dreamy eyes (He also likes his men exotic and chocolate!), and before ya know it, the waves were already on top of Sumatra. Don’t blame God, blame Bravo!

- K

Yes, gambling does pay, at least for some weirdoes.

Weird News: The luckiest folks in Wisconsin

The Associated Press

Posted on Thu, Jul. 28, 2005

MADISON, Wis. — When Jeffrey Hintz won the state lottery’s second-chance drawing five weeks in a row, some people in state government got a little suspicious.

Turns out, Hintz just got lucky, an investigation has concluded.

Hintz and his wife, Lisa, have won almost $73,000 in cash prizes from the state lottery since 1999. More than $65,000 came from drawings.

Given how many tickets they were sending in for the drawing, the odds of their winning five times in a row were 1 in 14,397, auditors said.

Of course, the couple’s feat seems a bit less impressive when you consider how it came about:

Jeffrey Hintz told auditors he spent thousands of dollars on lottery tickets every week and countless hours stamping envelopes with the lottery’s address so he could enter losing tickets in the weekly drawings. He submitted entries in his wife’s name, too.

People are allowed to enter the drawings as often as they want, but each entry must include at least $5 worth of tickets. That means Hintz was sending in at least $2,500 in tickets a week, and postage alone would have cost $185 a week.

Wonder what their gross is after you factor in the expenses? But I guess that’s too much to ask of a fluff piece, huh? Crack reporting, guys!

BTW, is it just me, or does Hintz conjure up images of Lazlo Hollyfeld, the wild-eyed, closet-dwelling genius of ‘80s classic Real Genius fame? Whatever happened to the kid who played Mitch, anyway? In that case, what’s the deal with Kilmer? He hasn’t had a decent role since Doc Holliday in ‘93’s Tombstone. For shame, for shame…

- K

Those of you still with me must not yet be alienated by my anti-child sentiments (actually, I’m really anti-bad parenting, but I expect that the distinction’s too sophisticated for most reproducers), in which case I’d like to recommend the excellent exposé The Baby Boon: How Family-Friendly America Cheats the Childless, by fellow childfree advocate Elinor Burkett. Didn’t realize just how badly I’m getting screwed by parents and their middle-class delinquents until Burkett served me up a plate of raw reality. Now that my eyes are open, I see it everywhere - like with this ridiculous daylight savings time gaffe.

Or perhaps my nerves are just smarting after stumbling upon a recent rant posted by a brave non-breeder on Craigslist. The author has since entered the Politically Incorrect Protection Program, on the run from angry hordes of lactating mothers, crazy with urinary incontinence and delirious from prolonged sleep deprivation. In order to show support for my fallen comrade, I’ve copied her message verbatim below. Spread the word - or the terrorists win.

We salute you, anonymous Craigslister!

- K
 
 
Fantastic rant from Craigslist
Date: 2005-05-08, 5:34PM EDT

Original Post:

“I am spending my day taking my mother and mother-in-law out to eat. When is it my turn? I’m a mother too. This is the one day of the year your kids are supposed to thank you for being their mother and we are spending it making a fuss over the grandmothers. At least no one expects me to cook today!”

RESPONSE:

When is it your turn?

Lady, every DAY is your turn. In fact–and I don’t think I’m alone, here–Mother’s Day is probably one of the most worthless holidays on the calendar. Yeah. That’s right. Worthless. A crock. A farce. Less useful than an armless hooker with lock-jaw.

It’s like this:

Every time I go to the grocery store, I have to relinquish the good parking spaces to pregnant women and “customers with children.” (These spaces, by the way, are always empty, but you can bet your stretchmarked ass that if I tried to park there, I’d be instantly surrounded by a shrieking horde of sanctimonious matrons demanding I pee into a cup while their various unruly broods wiped their filthy hands all over my car and kicked me in the shins.)

In restaurants, blank-faced infant factories self-righteously insist that their ill-mannered progeny should be entitled to scream banshees into quivering submission because they’re CHILDREN, god damn it. How dare you not get on your knees and lick me right here! CHILDREN are the FUTURE, you disrespectful fuckwad, and if my little howler monkey wants a piece of your chicken, you’d better fucking give it to him! (God bless America, Praise Jesus, vote Dubya.)

In a department store, if I see some insane parent screaming at her six-month-old to just SHUT UP! while jerking her terrified three-year-old to her side, I’M the belligerent douchebag who should just Mind Her Own Fucking Business if I call security on her psychomaniacal fat ass.

They can’t say “fuck” on TV because the Tight-Ass Mothers of America insist that their precious babies are still recovering from the time a nanosecond’s viewing of Janet Jackson’s nipple burned their scleras out. These are often the same mothers who whip their titties out in public so that their obese little leeches can feed, all the while demanding that the rest of us just suck it up and deal because breasts are natural and my widdle woogums can gnaw on my oft-abused frying pans any time he wants. Now put on some clothes, young lady; that cleavage is shameful and Jesus would not approve!

Every thirty seconds, some petulant mothers’ association is demanding we sterilize all forms of media, make all public places child-friendly–even ones not designed for children–give them more parking spaces, more discounts, more leeway, more money, more sympathy. God forbid we actually monitor what our kids watch, hire babysitters when we want to go out and get wasted, or walk that extra twenty feet to the front door of Wal-Mart! That would be, like, WORK or something.

But you know what? We do it. Those of us who will never have children will pay taxes for schools that won’t educate your kids because you get your elephantine Hanes lodged in your colons every time some teacher DARES to make your little genius actually learn something, or when some idiot principal suggests your little miracle be held personally responsible for bitch-slapping Johnny Straight-A Student (who is only that way because of favoritism, of course, and not because HIS parents actually make him turn off the TV and read an hour a day). We will keep our mouths closed every time you fly off the handle in the supermarket because we made it to the express line before you and your three shrieking infants did. We’ll probably even let you in front of us just to shut you the hell up. We will politely nod and painfully smile when you thrust your bulging abdomens at us in the office and tell us your fetus just had its first intra-uterine fart, then seize our wrists and place our hands against your swollen paunches so that we can feel the miracle of AN ANIMAL MOVING INSIDE OF YOU. We will then politely retreat to the bathroom so that we don’t vomit all over the brand-new $200 maternity dress your husband bought you because, well, he impregnated you, and whether he admits it or not he knows he pretty much owns you now anyway.

I realize that procreation is necessary to continue the race. The fact that I’d sooner tear my own uterus from my body, throw it on a fire, and dance naked around it under a full moon with my arms outflung in maniacal delight does not negate my understanding the fact that most women want to be mothers, that lots of women SHOULD be mothers, that plenty of women–like my own mom–are superb mothers who should have every right to assemble and beat the exponentially increasing masses of clueless baby-factories into comas.

But I’m sick and fucking tired of hearing about how mommies don’t get respect, recognition, oral, etc. You know what? Being a mother isn’t about validation. It isn’t about the payback. From the first time you wake up, roll over, and vomit, you relinquish all your rights to gratitude. Your progeny will enter the world red-faced and screaming, and they’ll be red-faced and screaming until they move out and take the car with them. Even then, they’ll want your money, and you’re pretty much obliged to give it to them EVEN AFTER YOU DIE.

Once in a while, he’ll sobbingly curl in your lap for comfort, and you’ll soothe him into sleep and maybe he’ll tell you before he dozes off how much he loves you, Mommy. Then he’ll drool on your skirt.

Maybe, when she’s graduating magna cum laude from Harvard and you’re standing there, luminescent with pride and heavy with more than a touch of regret that you never did better than your A.A., she’ll seize you around the middle and say she couldn’t have done it without you, Mom. Then she’ll ditch you to go get drunk with her buddies, including that boyfriend you absolutely cannot stand.

And that’s your gratitude. That’s all the gratitude you get. This is the contract you signed. You were kidding yourself if you thought it would be anything else, if you were entering into motherhood and thinking you could still be selfish.

Even so, our whole society revolves around your needs. Those of us who plan to maintain our selfish lifestyles until our dying days pay for you, make concessions for you, take your condescension and ill-placed pity when you rudely insist we’ll change our minds someday–assuming you haven’t already lapsed into an epileptic seizure from your inability to comprehend the concept that not everyone wants to live like you do. But it’s not enough for you.

And even you, dear poster–despite the fact that you think you deserve some kind of attention for procreating, you’re not even willing to give your mother and mother-in-law the same courtesy without complaining. And I’ll bet THEY never asked for anything.

Mother’s Day really does suck.

File this one under…shut the fuck up!

A dark look at sunshine

Not all support daylight-savings time extension for energy

By PATRINA A. BOSTIC in Washington, DREW JUBERA in Atlanta

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Published on: 07/23/05

Congress is putting a little more sunshine in your life, but not everybody’s happy.

Senate and House lawmakers agreed this week to extend daylight-saving time by four weeks to help the nation conserve energy.

The provision, in a bill setting a national energy policy that Congress plans to complete next week, would begin daylight-saving time three weeks earlier — the second Sunday in March — and end it the first Sunday in November, a week later than previously. […]

The National PTA also opposes the measure and the Georgia Association of Educators expressed concern. Both groups cited an increased danger to children traveling to school in the dark mornings.

The change worries many parents.

“It may save energy in the evening with the extra sunlight, but just as a mother, you are talking about the most vulnerable population being in the dark more,” said Mary Lou Pagano, an east Cobb mother of four. “I know the elementary school kids take the bus at 7 a.m. Visibility is not as good to see these little guys. It’s always a relief when we get more daylight.”

As a childfree American -