- Sell the ranch, asshole!

 
“Katrina: Get Blown Away”

- Slogan/logo recently submitted to the US Patent & Trademark Office, by Louisiana lawyers Andrew Vicknair and Harold Ehrenberg, who hope to slap the tasteless phrase on alcoholic beverages; as reported by The Smoking Gun on 9/4/05

 
“I am again requesting that you require your reporters to not call the people of New Orleans and other areas affected by Hurricane Katrina ‘refugees.’ As African-Americans, we find the term refugees offensive but more importantly, the individuals affected by the hurricane find it offensive.”

- Nathan Stephens, a member of the First Ward Ambassadors, in an e-mail to Columbia Missourian Executive Editor Tom Warhover, 9/26/05

 
“The AP is using the term ‘refugee’ where appropriate to capture the sweep and scope of the effects of this historic natural disaster on a vast number of our citizens. Several hundred thousand people have been uprooted from their homes and communities and forced to seek refuge in more than 30 different states across America. Until such time as they are able to take up new lives in their new communities or return to their former homes, they will be refugees.”

- Associated Press Executive Editor Kathleen Carroll, in a story about the evacuee vs. refugee (vs. survivor vs. displaced persons vs. black vs. white vs. poor vs. rich) dispute, 9/6/05

 
“The first thing I check out on a guy is his hands. I imagine them picking up a baby.”

- Actress and breeder-to-be Jennifer Garner, setting the women’s movement back 50 years, 9/05/05

 

 
“While talk at the UN world summit was focused on terrorism and internal reform, George W Bush appeared to have been caught short. And, he is said to have turned to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice for advice. ‘I think I may need a bathroom break? Is this possible?’ a Reuters news agency photographer caught him writing in a note to Ms Rice. The photograph, and Mr. Bush’s apparent request for permission to pee, has been the subject of discussion on a number of satirical websites.”

- Courtesy of the BBC News, 9/15/05 (and props to Reuters for the photo!)

 
“Silo Rains on the Penguin Pride Parade…With Silo and Scrappy picking out curtains together, will gay-rights groups now acknowledge that sexual orientation changes?…
So should former homosexuals among us say, ‘I told you so?’”

- Focus on the Family news release, in response to the breakup of gay penguin couple Roy and Silo, both residents of the Central Park Zoo, 9/20/05

 
“The Supreme Court shed its staid image Tuesday, giving stripper-turned Playboy model Anna Nicole Smith a new chance at a piece of the fortune of her 90-year-old late husband….The case promises to be the sexiest of the nine-month term which begins next week.”

- AP reporter Gina Holland, on Anna Nicole’s Smith ongoing lawsuit against the billion-dollar estate of her deceased husband, 9/27/05

 
“They don’t eat ham. And they don’t like to be spied on, either.”

- Atlanta Journal-Constitution reporter Jill Young Miller, on two vegans who were harassed by Homeland Security reps after a peaceful protest outside of a HoneyBaked Ham store in December 2003 (9/23/05, “Vegans file lawsuit over surveillance at ham store”)

 
“But I do know that it’s true that if you wanted to reduce crime, you could — if that were your sole purpose — you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down. That would be an impossible, ridiculous, and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down.”

- Bill Bennett, 9/28/05, as reported by Salon.com (“Bill Bennett: Fewer black babies = less crime in America”)

 
“People act like it was the worst crime in the world. It was a mistake, you know! But you would think my boob had popped out and shot Gandhi!”

- Actress Tara Reid, on exposing her goodies to guests at P. Diddy’s (sorry, “just Diddy”) 35th birthday party; in a recent FHM interview

 
“The Bush Administration has failed to stem the tide of this cataclysm. I have had some experience with aquatic mishaps. This experience will bolster me in this hour of desperation as I plug one of the leaks myself.”

- Senator Edward Kennedy, D-Mass, offering to “fill a large hole” in Hurricane Katrina recovery efforts, as heard in the blogosphere on 9/29/05

 
“We are confident the public will be able to discern the difference between fiction and the incredible job real-life flight attendants do on a daily basis.”

- A Disney spokesman to the LA Times, responding to criticism of the new Jodie Foster movie ‘Flightplan’ by crybaby flight attendants, who have called the film “irresponsible”; naturally, a boycott is planned; 9/29/05

I hopped on over to the Evangelical Atheist whilst feasting on yet another cherry turnover from Sam’s (see, that’s why I always send Shane shopping alone, because I inevitably buy all sorts of junk when I venture out into the world) and, lo and behold, he juiced up his most recent entry with all sorts of fun quizzes. Before you know it, I’d taken a whole battery of tests. Not wanting to totally waste my time, I present to you…my personality/ideological/religious/cinematic profile.

A word of caution - once you click, you can’t stop. Almost as addicting as pastries.

 
 

 
 

 
 

You are an Atheist

When it comes to religion, you’re a non-believer (simple as that). You prefer to think about what’s known and proven. You don’t need religion to solve life’s problems. Instead, you tend to work things out with logic and philosophy.

 
 

You are a Social Liberal (75% permissive) and an… Economic Liberal (28% permissive) You are best described as a: Democrat Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

 
 
Actually, a similar inventory that I much prefer is The Political Compass, but unfortunately they don’t provide you any code to cut-and-paste into your own site. For the curious, here’s how I score:

Economic Left/Right: -5.25

Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -3.85

Yup, somewhere between Nelson Mandela and the Dalai Lama…right around Ghandi, I’d say.

Ah, well, on to the rest of ‘em!

 
 

 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

18.75 %

My weblog owns 18.75 % of me.
Does your weblog own you?

 
 
Judging by my laziness of late, that’s probably the least desirable 18.75%, too…

Sorry, guys!

- K

“Intelligent Design theory is really science in its purest form…It promotes the search for knowledge that embodies the essence of a liberal education.”

So argues Pat Gillen, lawyer for the Dover, PA school board, and member of the religious non-profit Thomas Moore Law Center. Yes, folks, today marks the opening day of the Dover Intelligent Design lawsuit, in which the 11 Dover area parents with functioning brains are legally challenging the school board’s inclusion if un-ID in bio classes alongside the godless theory of evolution.

This guy’s so full of shit, his eyes are brown.

For comprehensive coverage, I highly recommend The Questionable Authority, who has a carnival-like roundup of recent Dover ID news coverage. Good stuff.

Elsewhere in Godidiot news…

Republicans are trying to gut the Endangered Species Act in order to save - what else? - corporate interests. Better yet, they’re doing so under the disingenuous banner “Threatened and Endangered Species Recovery Act” - talk about misnomers. The strange part, you ask? Concerned Jews and Christians, dubbed the Noah Alliance, are uniting to stop them. Jews and Christians and ARAs, oh my!

In another First Amendment tiff, a Ripon, CA library was forced to cancel a presentation by “psychic” Irma Slage after the City Council considered pulling financial support for the library due to several residents’ complaints. In a strange twist, it appears as though conservatives were offended by Slage’s conversations with the dead, and successfully censored a public institution’s community program.

Asks Friends of the Ripon Library member Brigitte Long, “Are we using funds for a public library or a church library?”

To which I’d like to pose a counter-question: “Aren’t our public libraries supposed to be institutions of learning, literacy, and knowledge?”

Obviously, I’m opposed to local Godidiots strong-arming the public library into canceling programs that don’t sit well with their religious beliefs. But I’m almost as incensed with libraries that encourage ignorance and superstition by sponsoring pseudoscientific lectures. For shame, for shame - I’m calling CSICOP on you!

Christians aren’t the only Godidiots in court, however. The Jehovah’s Witnesses recently filed a lawsuit in Ontario in order to stop a former Witness from reprinting quotes pulled from Watch Tower (i.e., Jehovah’s Witnesses) literature. The Witnesses aren’t shy about pimping their pamphlets, so you’ve gotta wonder what gives.

The WatchTower’s lawsuit alleges that such “quotations” from its own literature are “embarrassing” and have caused Jehovah’s Witnesses loss of “reputation” and “goodwill”.

Ironically, Jehovah’s Witnesses are best known for their lack of “goodwill” among the general public due to their “reputation” for doing anything and everything to get non-JWs to read their literature. The WatchTower conglomerate is the largest religious publisher in the world, and all Jehovah’s Witnesses members are required to engage in public distribution of literature. Jehovah’s Witnesses spend approximately 1.2 billion hours annually distributing millions of copies of WatchTower books and magazines.

A Google News search yielded few hits outside of Pressbox, though, so my bullshit meter is on high alert. Whatever the case, one thing is certain: Jehovah’s Witnesses suck ass.

Finally, in the wake of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, survivors are giving thanks to God. Newsday, home of the ever-obnoxious God Squad, ran the headline “Religion is the calm during the storm” in today’s online edition.

An especially ridiculous excerpt:

Even before Hurricane Rita inundated her house in the lowlands south of Lafayette, Dola Richard had misfortune in her life.

In the past several years her son died of a heart attack at 44, one grandchild died in a boating accident and another was killed in a car accident.

But yesterday, with floodwaters still above the windows of her house, and her belongings in disarray, Richard made her way to St. Mary Magdalen Church to give praise to God.

“We have a lot to be thankful for,” said Richard, 88, whose husband is battling cancer.

Uh, right…whatever you say, lady. It’s not as though your omnipotent, loving God could have unclogged your son’s arteries, averted the boating and car accidents that claimed your grandchildren’s lives, willed your husband’s malignant growths into remission, and/or spared hundreds of thousands of God-fearing Gulf Coast residents from the wrath of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita.

Uh, duh, that’s right…theoretically, he could have, he just chose not to.

Well, if all else fails, just blame the homos (and the pagans, the abortionists, the feminists, the ACLU, [hell, just insert your demon here]).

- K

…then He’s one sadistic SOB.

Between the pending Jet Blue disaster and the constant Hurricane Rita coverage, I’m starting to feel a bit dirty. Can you get any more voyeuristic than live footage of a potential plane wreck?

I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to drag Shane into the air again.

- K

UPDATE: Well, it looks like “God” was just messin’. Theoretically, He’s still a sadistic pervert. Nonetheless, the obligatory thanksgivings to His Freakiness have already begun.

*Sigh*

Creationists and un-IDers, unsatisfied with watering down our public education system, have now set their sites on our public museums, too.

Luckily, the hardcore science geeks that staff museums refuse to roll over and submit, something I wish I could say about school boards and legislators.

Reports the NY Times:

Challenged by Creationists, Museums Answer Back

By CORNELIA DEAN, September 20, 2005

Instead, he told the volunteers that when they encounter religious fundamentalists they should emphasize that science museums live by the rules of science. They seek answers in nature to questions about nature, they look for explanations that can be tested by experiment and observation in the material world, and they understand that all scientific knowledge is provisional - capable of being overturned when better answers are discovered.

“Is it against all religion?” he asked. “No. But it is against some religions.”

There is more than one type of creationist, he said: “thinking creationists who want to know answers, and they are willing to listen, even if they go away unconvinced” and “people who for whatever reason are here to bother you, to trap you, to bludgeon you.”

“Thinking creationists”? If that isn’t an oxymoron…anyway. Back to the plight of our hapless museum staffers.

Dr. Allmon told his audience to “be firm and clear, not defensive.” The pamphlet says that if all else fails, and docents find themselves in an unpleasant confrontation, they excuse themselves by saying, “I have to go to the restroom.”

Great, now they have to worry about verbal assault at work? What’s next, paleontologist bombings?

It’s nice to hear that science nerds aren’t taking such nonsense lying down. In a description of “B.C. Tours,” which “for 15 years has offered tours of the museum based on literal readings of the Bible,” the chief curator of the Denver Museum of Nature & Science reports that sometimes “we have to restrain our docents from interacting with them.”

Watch out, un-IDers. If you aren’t careful, resident scientists just might beat some sense into you. Preferably with a 65 million-year-old T-Rex thigh bone.

Now, if science geeks could only penetrate the local school boards…but I ‘spose their pocket protectors and common sense would probably betray them.

Sadly enough, the NY Times has an ongoing series on “The Evolution Debate” (sad because there really isn’t much of a debate). If you can bring yourself to register with the NY Times, it makes for interesting - if frustrating - reading.

- K