I’m an RSS addict. I admit it. In November, I plan on checking myself into a treatment facility, but for now, I bring you a bonus October “Heap O’ Headlines” just for Halloween. At the risk of ripping off Stephen Colbert, we’ll christen it “This Month in Godlessness.”
Enjoy.
- K
Heathen Headlines
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Way back in June, Hanna Rosin guested on the Daily Show in order to promote an article she had in The New Yorker. “God and Country” follows students from Patrick Henry College, a school in Virginia geared towards conservative Christians who are aiming for a career in politics. I know it’s four months outside of October, but it’s interesting reading nonetheless.
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Ashley Smith - the hapless Christian who allegedly soothed Fulton County Courthouse shooter Brian Nichols with passages from the Xian book The Purpose-Driven Life - admits in a new autobiography that she actually shared her stash of crystal meth with him. Christians, meet your hero and role model.
My favorite headlines:
Ashley Smith’s Secrets Revealed: A Q&A with the Former ‘Purpose-Driven’ Hostage (The Book Standard, 9/26)
Former Hostage Says She’s Shocked by Public’s Criticism (Associated Press)
Instant Revisionism (The Washington post, 10/7)
Hostage’s Car for Sale on eBay (WXIA-TV, Atlanta, 10/7)
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The Anatomy of Megachurches: Watch Slate’s slideshow and wonder why the fuck religions get tax-exempt status again?
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Hugo Chavez, +1, Pat Robertson, -666!
According to the BBC, Venezuelan President Chavez is on the verge of banishing a US missionary group from his country. Chavez calls the New Tribes Mission “imperialists” who are flaunting their wealth in front of the poverty-stricken indigents. I’ll see his colonialists and raise him 3,200 zealots worth of religious indoctrination and general stupidity. Viva Venezuela!
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In a case “destined for the US Supreme Court,” a lesbian is suing her former doctors for refusing to artificially inseminate her, allegedly because of their religious beliefs regarding homosexuality.
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Religious discrimination isn’t just for medical professionals! An English teacher at a PUBLIC high school is suing the school district for firing her because she doesn’t subscribe to the Mormon superstition.
Reports the Desert News: “In her suit, Jensen states that she was only one of two non-Mormon teachers on the staff…and she and the other non-LDS teacher were in adjacent classrooms at the end of the hallway, which was referred to as ‘Hell’s Corner’…remarks were made about Jensen during an executive session of the Sevier School Board in which Jensen was referred to as a person who practices ‘witchcraft,’ prefers Halloween as her favorite holiday and paints her windows black, according to meeting minutes.”
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Meanwhile, in California, “a drama teacher at a Catholic high school in Sacramento was fired…after church officials learned she had previously volunteered at an abortion clinic.”
Oh my, how ever did they find out?
“…a student’s parent obtained pictures showing Bain escorting people into a Planned Parenthood clinic last spring.”
Creepy.
(I would have linked directly to the article, but the Sacramento Bee requires registration, and me no likey registration.)
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The BBC News livened things up this month with some Catholic craziness:
“A leading Catholic magazine has described professional boxing as ‘a legalised form of attempted homicide,’ driven by ‘cruel’ businessmen. The latest issue of Civilta Cattolica (Catholic Civilisation) says 500 boxers have died from injuries sustained in the ring over the past 100 years. It says boxers are treated by promoters ‘as money-making machines.’”
Because collecting dues and injuring young males “in the ring” is the Pope’s job, you assholes.
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New from Snopes: Jefferson Airplane singer Grace Slick did not name her daughter God as is rumored. Nope, she was just fucking with a Godidiot when she said that:
It was only a few hours after my baby had arrived, I was holding the miracle of birth in my arms, and I was already messing with somebody’s head. The nurse asked me to repeat what I’d said. I obliged her. After hearing it a second time, deciding that the blasphemy was real, she haltingly entered “god” on the parchment, probably expecting to go through life repeating novenas for her participation in this profanity. When she was through filling in the irreverent name, she ran to the telephone to call Herb Caen, the San Francisco Chronicle newspaper columnist … He published the information about the birth and the supposed appellation Paul and I had chosen …
Her real name is China.
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PETA, no stranger to controversy, pissed off a number of special interest groups with their latest ad campaign, “Animal Liberation.” The latest conglomerate to get their panties in a wad: religious groups, led by the Catholic League, “a New York organization combating anti-Catholic bigotry” (because God-fearing Christians are notoriously underrepresented at all societal levels! - *snort*).
Says President Bill Donahue, “This is an organization that is intellectually bankrupt. They have no new ideas, which is why they rip off religious imagery to sell their message.”
Did I detect an admission that religious imagery and dogma is played-out?
Either way, at least they aren’t roaming the streets, molesting alter boys.
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Despite Donahue’s whining, some Christians believe that “Christian love should apply to animals as well as humans” - like Dr. Stephen Kaufman, a Northeast Ohio ophthalmologist and co-chairman of the Christian Vegetarian Association.
You’ve got it half-right, guys - just lose that creepy Jesus guy, and you’re all set. Besides, have you even read the Bible? God is a Dick. He’s got no time for “Christian love” when there’s an entire planet to smite!
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Finally, some decent religious-based legislation. Indian superstitions = happy bovines.
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This story is so fucktarded, it must be true. A 75-year-old astrologer predicted his own death; after making it through the fateful day unscathed, family members and flocks of believers credited prayer with saving the man.
The con man was doubly lucky: the article ends with an admonition that “in the past, crowds have beaten up astrologers when their predicted demise failed to occur.”
I, for one, would love to bless each astroidiot with a swift kick to the nuts.
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135 Christian bloggers made their way to a three-day God-blogging conference in California in mid-October in order to answer the age-old question “What would Jesus blog?”
I’m willing to bet my left tit that he wouldn’t blog - in fact, he wouldn’t even own a computer. Given its plethora of kiddie porn and gambling sites, the ‘Net must be an instrument of the devil. Silly Godidiots.
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They’re coming. And they wants brains…warm, delicious brains….
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The Kansas Supreme Court “struck down a state law that punished underage sex more severely if it involved homosexual acts, saying “moral disapproval” of such conduct is not enough to justify the different treatment.” Meanwhile, the poor bastard who won the appeal served five years of a 15-month sentence. Yet again, I’m ashamed to be a Kansan.
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Or maybe Kansas isn’t THAT BAD after all:
“In Indiana, evangelical lobbying groups such as the Indiana Family Institute, an affiliate of Dobson’s national Focus on the Family organization, are leading the charge in reforming the state’s sex, family and marriage laws with faith-based legislation.”
In a pièce de résistance, reporter Laura McPhee reviews their ten most successful achievements to date. Blueprint for a Xian America? I’ll see you in Europe!
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In other silly judicial matters, Romanian prisoner filed a lawsuit against God. Argues the plaintiff, “God received different material valuables from me, as well as prayers in exchange for promises of a better life. In reality, this did not happen - I found myself in the devil’s hands.”
Yeah, I’d sue God if I was born in Romania, too.
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Taking another swing at that pesky wall, FEMA declares their intentions to reimburse religious groups for expenses incurred while aiding victims of Hurricane Katrina. Nevermind that there was no prior agreement to do so; that the plan is a clear violation of the First Amendment; and that they already receive more taxpayer monies than they should legally, via tax exemptions.
Tax evasion is looking mighty appealing, I must say.
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Just in time for Halloween, the Vatican extended its course offerings to include some edumaktion on exorcisms. Says Italian Bishop Andrea Gemma, “Exorcism …is an important prayer of the church to help those who believe to be, or who really are suffering from a diabolic infestation.” Do I smell another Exorcism sequel? Perhaps you could exorcise the pedophilia out of God’s messengers?
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And then there was Harriet. Although she withdrew her nomination last week, I’m still going to bitch about her evangelicalism, since Bush passed it off as a “qualification” for the bench.
Just for fun, check out Miers’ “insulting” answers to the Senate’s 57-page questionnaire that they ultimately asked her to resubmit (.pdf also available). In contrast, Roberts’ answers ran 83 pages. Suckup.
Quotes of note:
“We were told we weren’t even allowed to bring up the topic of religion when John G. Roberts was nominated for the Supreme Court,” the Rev. Barry W. Lynn, executive director of Americans United for Separation of Church and State, said in a statement. “Anyone who did was quickly labeled a bigot. Now Bush and Rove are touting where Miers goes to church and using that as a selling point. The hypocrisy is staggering.”
“[Bush] says conservatives can trust Miers because she, too, is an evangelical. Says Focus on the Family judicial analyst Bruce Hausknecht: “That gives us a level of comfort that we wouldn’t otherwise have. It tells us her view of the Constitution will be the correct one.”
“We know people who have known her for 20, 25 years, and they would vouch for her. . . . I know the church that she goes to and I know the people who go to church with her.” On the Wednesday edition of his radio show, Dobson was more specific: “I know the individual who led her to the Lord.”
Headlines that will cause the hair on the back of your heathen neck to stand fully erect:
Senate Panel May Call Evangelical Leader / Dobson Had Hinted at Inside Knowledge of Miers’ Views (SF Gate, 10/24)
Defending the Indefensible (Washington Post, 10/23)
Will Miers Help Topple Roe v. Wade? (Salon, 10/19)
Bush: Miers’ Religion is Part of Her Life (Fox News, 10/13)
Bush Plays the Faith Card (TomPaine.com, 10/13)
White House Plays Up Miers’ religion (Science Daily, 10/12)
Miers: Not the First Evangelical Justice (Salon, 10/6)
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