“You’re naked. There’s a 14 year old girl. You’re chasing a cat around. You’ve got Cool Whip and you want this girl to do some sex act with the cat and then you’ll have sex with her. Is that accurate?”

- Dateline’s Chris Hansen, to an “alleged” pedophile and zoophile, on the 5th installment of “To Catch a Predator”
 
 

Watch Chris wax philosophical on the dangers of Cool Whip.

 
 

Sorry, folks, I had some unexpected work pop up this weekend, so all I have to offer is this sorry sack of links.

WaPo readers weigh in on that fucktarded pre-conception article. Via Pandagon.

Pat Robertson can leg bench press 2,000 pounds. Without popping a capillary. The secret? God packs Pat’s “protein” shakes with His Special Seed. As long as the menses sip it from a cup, it’s totally not Teh Gay. So bottoms up, boys!

Lya says, Let’s play Spot the Logical Fallacy!

Note to the NFL: puh-lease draft Jeb this summer, so he’ll be otherwise occupied in 2008.

Note to the ACLU: WTF!?

The American Civil Liberties Union is weighing new standards that would discourage its board members from publicly criticizing the organization’s policies and internal administration.

“Where an individual director disagrees with a board position on matters of civil liberties policy, the director should refrain from publicly highlighting the fact of such disagreement,” the committee that compiled the standards wrote in its proposals.

“Directors should remember that there is always a material prospect that public airing of the disagreement will affect the A.C.L.U. adversely in terms of public support and fund-raising,” the proposals state.

Given the organization’s longtime commitment to defending free speech, some former board members were shocked by the proposals.

Nat Hentoff, a writer and former A.C.L.U. board member, was incredulous. “You sure that didn’t come out of Dick Cheney’s office?” he asked.

So not cool, guys.

This edition’s money quote:

“Certainly we are surprised, more appropriate to say we are shocked, certainly this is not the outcome that we expected. I firmly believe I’m innocent of the charges against me, as I have said from day one, I still firmly believe that as at this day.” [Ken Lay, upon his conviction on all six fraud and conspiracy charges]

Bonus:

“The administration has been pretty clear there is no tolerance for corporate corruption.” [White House spokesman Tony Snow, in response to the Lay/Skilling verdict]

And finally, a most hilarryus pikture.

 

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

 
 
UPDATE: Looks like my demand for a recount was a tad premature, seeing as how I totally fucked shit up when I tried to modify Thudfactor’s code. Luckily, my geekier half jumped in and fixed it. So, 35% seems about right. If not downright generous.
 

From the Vegan Lunch Box, the coolest f’in thing I’ve seen all week: The Magical Loaf Studio. The menu allows you to choose your own protein and carb sources, as well as nuts, veggies, and seasonings, and - voilà! - a customized recipe for your very own Adventist-style vegan dinner loaf.

Via the Veg Blog.

Via PZ Myers, I see that The Silver Fox™ might have a segment on Jesus-denier Luigi Cascioli, an Italian who’s suing the Catholic Church for impersonation and “abusing the popular credulity.” As PZ noted, the comments are especially amusing.

Shorter Sheeple: Teh Bible says so!
 
“You prove Jesus exist through FAITH. He is trying to use his limited intelligence. If you followed the instructions that’s outlined in the Holy Bible, he wouldn’t waste the courts time or anyone else’. You must be born again and believe that Jesus was born of a virgin, died and arose on the third day. This is spiritually discerned.”

“Why would a person dedicate there life to bring down the catholic church. Faith is about believing in something that can’t be proven. I feel this man is ignorant. If he doesn’t have faith, thats his personal right. Why preach it to others.”

“My faith in Christ is based on rock-solid historical evidence of the caliber that well-exceeds the proofs we have of many historical figures and events that we take for granted.”

“While Cascioli may not believe in Christ, he definitely proves the existance of the devil, only the devil could compel someone to such action. It is the that devil tries to lead us away from God (which he has so successfully done with Cascioli), not frivolous lawsuits. Those of us who are Christians and have FAITH will give this gentleman little regard, aside from praying for his apparent lost soul.”

“How does this gentlemen think he got here???Hello….He will get his proof on his judgment day!!!!!”

“The fact that billions of people believe in Jesus is a significant piece of evidence in proving Jesus existed. Are all of these people deluded? Of course not, and many of them are extremely intelligent people. Also, just take a look around at the magnificient cathedrals that have taken people decades to build and think about the level of committment that effort took, and ask yourself, doesn’t that prove something? How about the fact that many people are willing to die for the belief that Jesus existed or have languished in Communist prisions just because they beleive in Jesus? This is all evidence of His existence. The Bible itself is proof, and I do not mean to claim it is divinely inspired, just the fact that it has been the most enduring, widely read book in all the history of man. Why? these things are all proof to some extent and help provide support for faith.”

“If Jesus did not exist then why would we be talking about him? just a thought…”

“If one needs any tangable proof, I say look around you!! Look at how the world is set up, look at DNA, look at how the world is perfectly balanced. The evidence is all around us. All you need to do is open your eyes, and you will see all that was made is through Jesus!! As stated in Scriptures.”
 

“If we accept the anti-choicer’s claim that the zygote is a baby at the moment of fertilization, and the abortion rate is about 46 million per year world wide, and the number of live births is approximately equally to the number of spontaneous abortions, and the number of babies born last year was about 80 million…that means God killed almost twice as many babies as the abortionists did last year. That psychopathic bastard.

“I want to see the anti-choicers start picketing churches instead of abortion clinics.”

- PZ Myers, commenting on this paper in “That great and arbitrary abortionist in the sky”

Salon has an interesting - and lengthy - piece on Christian parenting a la fundie Bible Beaters Michael and Debi Pearl.

Makes your featherhead glad that her parents are lapsed Catholics.

Both entertaining and infuriating, the article is peppered with advice culled straight from the Pearls’ several child care books:

And yes, “training” — as with a puppy or mule — involves asserting one’s dominance, even inflicting small, non-injurious amounts of pain. Pearl is extremely precise in such prescriptions: hitting or spanking must never, ever be done in anger or as punishment, but rather only as a means of calm, consistent, reasoned, loving conditioning. And never with the hand.

“Select your instrument according to the child’s size,” writes Pearl. “For the under one year old, a little, ten to twelve-inch long, willowy branch (stripped of any knots that might break the skin) about one-eighth inch diameter is sufficient. Sometimes alternatives have to be sought. A one-foot ruler, or its equivalent in a paddle, is a sufficient alternative. For the larger child, a belt or larger tree branch is effective.” Additional advice from their Web site: Switching with a length of quarter-inch plumbing supply line is a “real attention-getter.”

“Hands,” by contrast, “are for loving and helping,” Pearl writes.

Yet again, in a sense, so is the switch. “The parent holds in his hand (in the form of a little switch) the power to absolve the child of guilt, cleanse his soul, instruct his spirit, strengthen his resolve, and give him a fresh start through a confidence that all indebtedness is paid…” writes Pearl. “After a short explanation about bad attitudes and the need to love, patiently and calmly apply the rod to his back-side. Somehow, after eight or ten licks, the poison is transformed into gushing love and contentment. The world becomes a beautiful place. A brand new child emerges. It makes an adult stare at the rod in wonder, trying to see what magic is contained therein.”

Sounds like the Godbagger’s Guide to Raising Godly Sadomasochists to me. The Father-Daughter Purity Ball’s kinkier cousin, perhaps?

I could quote the whole damned thing, it’s that good, so go give it a read. I particularly find the “obedience is godliness” ideal dead-on. After all, if you raise kids to, I dunno, think for themselves, the church will quickly empty of its sheeple (and their bank accounts). Independent thought is most certainly not a friend of religion, and it’s fascinating that the godbaggers so readily admit as much. Aren’t they afraid that, eventually, the next generation will get hip to the conspiracy?
 

More than 63 million Americans voted in the 2006 American Idol finale - “more than any president in the history of our country has received,” cooed host Ryan Seacrest.

Fucking. Shameful.

(On the plus side, prematurely grey Hicks beat out Scientologist - or Scientology sympathizer - McPhee.)
 

“And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.” [Genesis 22:2]

“And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.” [Leviticus 26:29]

“He that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death.” [Exodus 21:17]
 

Lawyer: 3 kids tossed in bay as sacrifice

SAN FRANCISCO, California (AP) — A woman accused of killing her three young sons by tossing them into frigid San Francisco Bay believed God summoned her to sacrifice her children, her lawyer told a judge.

“The voice of God called upon her to sacrifice her three children,” Teresa Caffese said at the woman’s preliminary hearing in San Francisco Superior Court.

Lashaun Harris, 23, was arrested last October, shortly after authorities said she dropped her children, one by one, over a rail and into the bay.

Taronta Greeley Jr., 2, was buried. The bodies of Treyshun Harris, 6, and Joshoa Greeley, 16 months, were never recovered.

 
 
Yup, another “Jebus those godbaggers are ca-razy” post.

Granted, Caffese is quick to point out that Harris may actually be schizophrenic, and makes a seemingly valid charge of racism (i.e., “Why is the DA prosecuting a pathetically schizophrenic, poor, black woman?”). Then again, Andrea Yates was convicted while white, and mothers who commit infanticide are a particularly loathed group - in no small part because such crimes are viewed as an affront to nature itself - so I think Harris’s status as “mother” might trump that of “black” in this case, but I digress.

This particular article doesn’t explain how the diagnosis of “schizophrenic” was reached, but the fact that Harris heard God speaking to her most likely had a little sumthin’-sumthin’ to do with it. After all, “auditory hallucinations” are one of many criteria that qualifies one for such a diagnosis.

I’ve always wondered, though, how believers reconcile the popular view of “hearing voices” as being indicative of mental problems with religion’s encouragement of, well, listening to God. For example, Mormonism preaches that every believer has the capacity to communicate with God, no middleman needed. This is perhaps one of the reasons behind Mormonism’s popularity during its early years (the practical problems with such an idea - i.e., that everyone has a direct line to God and, as such, can receive divine revelations and shape the religion to his or her liking - have since made the mainstream Mormon Church play down that particular aspect of Joe Smith’s teachings). Believers - at least of the Judeo-Christian stripe - are told to “find God,” to listen to his teachings, to follow his plan for your life.

Which begs the question: when a mortal starts conversing with God, how are we to know whether he’s a True Believer™ or a dangerous psycho? Or are they just one and the same?

Maybe Harris is schizo, but if we accept Teh Bible as Teh Truth, who are we to say that God didn’t tell her to sacrifice her toeheads?

God’s one sick fuck.
 

After clicking through a wiretapping action alert from the ACLU, my cooperation was rewarded with an ACLU short, Shocking But True!: The Spies Have It, which turned out to be a sendup of The X-Files (the Best. Series. Ever.).

Our hawt-but-in-a-dark-and-brooding-sorta-way Fox Mulder character looks strangely like the bastard child of David Duchovny and…Clive Owen.

If one of them were cursed with lady parts, of course.
 
 

 
 
Nor did the nerdy graphics dept at the ACLU forget The Smoking Man, played to perfection by - who else? - Dick Cheney.
 
 

 
 
I’m not sure which character Chimpy McFlightsuit is supposed to represent, though…
 
 

 
 
…the Well-Manicured Man, perhaps?
 

Link dump!

Twisty weighs in on the CDC guidelines, and Amanda has another update.

“Sex is not for people who are still in school.”

Shorter Lucy Kibaki: “You fuck, you die.” Thank gawd she chairs the Organization of the 40 African First Ladies Against HIV/AIDS. It’s like American politics, but international!

On a related note, Katha Pollitt, in discussing the HPV vaccine, cuts to the bone of the fundie “pro-life” agenda:

As they flex their political muscle, right-wing Christians increasingly reveal their condescending view of women as moral children who need to be kept in line sexually by fear. That’s why antichoicers will never answer the call of prochoicers to join them in reducing abortions by making birth control more widely available: They want it to be less available. Their real interest goes way beyond protecting fetuses–it’s in keeping sex tied to reproduction to keep women in their place. If preventing abortion was what they cared about, they’d be giving birth control and emergency contraception away on street corners instead of supporting pharmacists who refuse to fill prescriptions and hospitals that don’t tell rape victims about the existence of EC.

“Virginity or death!,” indeed.

The Dixie Chicks rawk.

Teh money quote:

Now that she’s truly notorious, having told a London audience in 2003, on the eve of the Iraq war, “Just so you know, we’re ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas,” Maines has one regret: the apology she offered George W. Bush at the onset of her infamy. “I apologized for disrespecting the office of the President,” says Maines. “But I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t feel he is owed any respect whatsoever.”

Yes, yes, and hell yes!

I ♥ Lew