“The case isn’t about Jews suing Vienna beef. The case is about Vienna beef not telling consumers that their all-beef hot dog contains pork, whether they’re Jews, Muslims, or Samuel L. Jackson.”

- Lawyer for the plaintiffs Lance Raphael, on his clients’ suit against Vienna Beef for failing to disclose that their “all-beef” wieners are, in fact, encased in pig intestines. Via Religion Clause.

“On the Hollywood list of people I pray for often, Tom Cruise is probably No. 1. All I have to say to Tom is, God bless ya, I hope you’re having fun. But I’d love through Radar magazine to throw a gauntlet down to Mr. Cruise. I’d love to break bread with him and pray with him, and I’d love for the Holy Spirit of God to reveal the truth to him. That would be an awesome thing…. Seriously though, can you put us together? Can we get a little sushi together? I’d like to give him a spicy Jesus roll.”

— Stephen Baldwin, in an interview with Radar (via Nerve)
 
 

“I did one magazine and found out you’re not actually allowed to be on their cover without at least a C cup because it turns people off. Apparently they’ve done market research and found that women want to see no less than a C cup on other women. Isn’t that crazy? So they made my tits bigger for that as well.”

- Actress Keira Knightly in Elle, by way of Bust
 
 

“If I continued to headbang on stage, I could have had a brain hemorrhage and dropped dead on the spot.”

- Jonathan Davis, lead singer of Korn, on his recent hospitalization for a blood disorder

(Filed under “I know I shouldn’t laugh, but for fuck’s sake, how do I not?”)

“You’re naked. There’s a 14 year old girl. You’re chasing a cat around. You’ve got Cool Whip and you want this girl to do some sex act with the cat and then you’ll have sex with her. Is that accurate?”

- Dateline’s Chris Hansen, to an “alleged” pedophile and zoophile, on the 5th installment of “To Catch a Predator”
 
 

Watch Chris wax philosophical on the dangers of Cool Whip.

“I thought no meant no! Pam told Jim that she was not interested and that she wanted their relationship to be platonic. Why did he feel that he could just walk in and kiss her? She should have kicked him in the balls and called the cops. Jim obviously played lacrosse at Duke.”

- OSG, commenting on Salon’s critique of The Office season finale